GamerDad: birthing class isn’t worth it

Taking a birthing class is just kind of expected, it seems. I’ve been reading the curriculum for some of the ones in my area, and I couldn’t help but wonder if they were really necessary, and how much I’d really get out of them.

Well, here’s one dad’s perspective:

Here’s what you’ll get at a typical birthing class:
• We practiced “breathing”. I don’t know why you need to practice this – you’ve breathed roughly 30 times a minute for something like 26 years at that point, if you haven’t mastered it by now maybe you have no business reproducing.
• We watched videos of real live births. These births had either taken place during the 70s, or were filmed at a commune someplace inhabited entirely by fat, hairy people with no inhibitions about parading around naked in front of a camera, and giving birth while they were being filmed. And fluid… there was more body fluids flying around during these births than a human body is actually capable of holding. I had the impression that several of these women actually gave birth to large water balloons, that, sadly, popped on delivery.
• They showed us around the labor/delivery ward of the hospital.
• They give you all kinds of advice. They show you all kinds of signs. They tell you thinks like the different phases of labor, how long contractions last at each sign, and when you should begin pushing. I found this rather disturbing – wouldn’t we be surrounded by people with actual medical careers who we could trust to know all this stuff and tell us what to do? Why do I need to know what a Braxton-Hicks contraction is, or how far the cervix dilates at each phase of labor? Was this a bad sitcom episode where we could expect to have to give birth in the back seat of a taxi or in an elevator that I’d need this information?
• They encouraged us to call. Call when you have contractions. Call when you THINK you have contractions. Call when you DON’T have contractions. Call when you’re not sure of something. Call when you have questions. Call when you’re lonely and need a friend. But above all, if there was anything you took away from the class, it was that you MUST CALL WHEN YOU THINK YOU’RE IN LABOR. They’ll tell you whether you’re REALLY in labor and should come in.

None of this was helpful.

Apparently everyone they called to see if they were in labour wondered why they were calling. She didn’t forget to breathe. And the nurses just seemed annoyed when he tried to make smalltalk about cervix dilation and timing between contractions. Oh and there was not nearly as much fluid as the ’70s vids seemed to show, and there was no problem finding the maternity ward at the hospital, what with all the marked signs.